Invisible Empire

Update:14.9.16

Having listened to Ben Howard on repeat for a number of years now, I felt confident I KNEW all his songs. But listening to my all time favourite this evening I heard these lyrics for the very first time.

'I saw a friend of mine the other day and she told me that my eyes were gleaming, I said I've been away and oh she knew the depths I was meaning...I'm happy to have you home'

'Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set, keep your mind on. Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong.'

'I realised that all I was searching for was me...'

So Mr Howard has summed it up beautifully. 

I thought the candle was gonna go out

The wind was blowing and the door was open

But the candle never went out, never went out

The wave found its way to the shore

I thought it was a ripple and nothing more

But the wave found its way all the way to the shore

Woah, I wanna burn this house

I know I wanna jump into the fire

Oh, oh I’m gonna tear them down

Pinnacles of my invisible empire

I know the gamble never works twice

All the distractions at the table and the weighted dice

But the thrill of it feels so nice, you do it all again

But I look to the chips I lose,

Standing on the platform with my neck in the noose

And I know its not my time, not my time

Woah, I wanna burn this house

I know I wanna jump into the fire

Oh, oh I’m gonna tear them down

The pinnacles of my invisible empire

And if I do, all the things I do

While I tell myself that 

I'm staying true

I'll never stop, you know 

I'll never stop

You know I'll never think about it

Put an end to all this time, that I would spend with it on my mind

I never stopped, 

you know I never stopped

You know I always wondered about it

I wondered about the wonder

Woah oh oh, I wear a rusting crown

I know this dynasty is falling

The crowd shouts for another round

To see the ruin, 

the spectacular, 

diamonds baby

Icebergs, 

the minarets and the 

marketplaces

The signal fires of my 

Invisible Empire

My head is spinning and my eyes are filled with full salty tears.

My flight is being called...for the 2nd time. And so I tell myself, 'I've got this far.' The hard part was getting on the plane from London, breaking the embrace of my dear friend Liz. But I did it.

This flight from Atlanta to Grand Cayman is the final and definitive leg of my flight back to my life in the Cayman Islands. After 20 hours spent within the confines of my hotel suite, there was no other option but for my emotions to break free. No friends to distract my attention, it was just me and my thoughts. I decided to seek comfort in my daily practice, spending more time in the closing asanas, offering a sort of comfort and closure to this Summer.

Last week was crazy. I met a man I'll never forget and as a result came to realisations and was forced to make the decisions I have avoided for more than 5 years.

N flew me to London so I could spend a couple of days with my friends before returning to the island. I landed and the feeling of 'home' hit me instantly. For the 1st time in my life I had someone waiting for me at the airport,  just like that scene from Love Actually, I was special. Ben and I walked to the car park as the fresh drizzle rain kissed my face. I'm English and I'm home, weather n'all. Ben looked after me: always a true gentleman, I had my own bed and a banquet of cheeses, cured meats, olives, prosseco and an ear ready to listen.

After we devoured our feast he suddenly left the room and returned with some tatty scribbles...my scribbles. Nearly a year to the day I had returned to London after travelling the Pyrenees, Barcelona and Avignon. In a similar emotional state to now Ben posed the question "What 5 things do you hope to achieve?" I jotted down the 5 things I felt I needed to move forward in life. Not thinking for a moment that I would see them again.

He kept my scribbles...

Gobsmacked with this I realised that these are still issues I am working on today. But I'm not disappointed that I've not achieved them. In fact I'm quite happy that I have worked so hard and learnt so much along the way.

The next day I visited Miss Wheeler in a quaint flat where the street is lined with rosebushes and white blossom is falling from the trees in anticipation of Autumn - this is a London I love. Writing emails and updating the blogs of her 2 businesses she oozes independence and confidence; a strong yet gentle woman I am proud to call her my friend. Before our catch up I made a dash to Barclays. That's the great thing about living in Cayman, all banks including your own think that you are committing fraud of some sort and so freeze all your accounts until you show additional security. I AM WHO I AM, I AM NOT PRETENDING, HONEST. I'M JUST A SIMPLE TEACHER. Liz and I then had lunch and twittered away for 3 hours wrapped up in blankets in a tiny cafe nestled on Northcott Road - my stomping ground when training as a teacher with SCITT.

The next morning we practiced at The Shala in West Norwood. Such a peaceful space I realised that this is a non-negotiable. I need to be close to a Shala and I need a teacher in my life.

Then came the part of London I do not miss :(

I needed to make it to Kentish Town where I would see two very special friends. 1 hour 30 minutes on the Northern line, Victoria line, Overground, 2x buses and a 20 minutes walk. No way!!! Weekend works were always a pain. Living on a small island and being 30 minutes to everything really is the way to go...point goes to Grand Cayman. Uber it was...then came more traffic!!!! Oh London, why does everyone else also have to love you? I arrived. Seeing Sophie I forget all the frustration of the journey and just hugged her. Glowing with the euphoria of being a new mum she introduced me baby Esme. 4 weeks today she lay in her little bassinet, her hand curling around my finger, holding on tightly while she dreamt. After a bit she started to stir and Sophie put her in my arms. 

Initially I felt scared shitless of dropping this fragile doll, but she just sank into my arms and I began to rock her....ughhhh Esme. Sophie and I chatted catching up on everything from the past year including all my Frenches at LPEBL. I just knew then I needed to be back.

Next stop, my dear friend Joey. God I miss him. I was an anxious mess when I arrived as I was panicking about my flight and the impending cloud of school hanging over me. But after hearing so much I was introduced to the cutest lill lady, Manon. I took a shine to this girl instantly. Classically French with her style, conservative yet thoughtful opinions and that accent that I just adore. She's the girl for Joey.

All of them had moved on, forward towards a positive and exciting stage in their lives. Liz with her 2 businesses. Sophie with the latest addition to her family. And Joey finding the gorgeous Manon. I haven't built much in Cayman, not that I'm proud of anyway. But I've had experiences and these experiences are making me rich. Rich in preparation for what's to come.

A man that knows me like no other said to me in April:

'Emma, have you read 'The Alchemist'? There's your answer.'

He's right. It's time to build and take back my Invisible Empire.